i had to clear my head....

so this sucks! i only have 70 points on my blogs and 94 on my pictures and what if my blurb book sucks...the semester is almost over.. i have a guitar final that i havent even picked up my guitar in 2 weeks because class was cancelled then we had break so i havent practiced so that should be great when i go there after i finish this shit... i music theory which is gunna suck because i know everything i dont even know why im in that class cause ive learned it all before my olowest grade is like a 94 sooo anoying... i havent really done much for my paper or play i started but time is running out.. i know im more of a last minute person because for some reason the pressure helps me work better... but being a last minute person can make you crazy... i have too much on my plate right now.. working two jobs is too much and tho i dont really need the money i like to know that i have it especially now that i have to by crhistmas presents for people ... vocal ensemble is annoying cause its 2 hours long of standing there and gets boring especially after being in school for 6 hours already.. i feel like im in high school.. this weekend im gunna hafta stay in so i can do some work and my rooms a disaster ... dont even get me started on that because there aare clothes literally piled three feet high and even higher in some places... my mom gets on my back about it but why should she care its my room and no one ever even sees it ... besides being stressed because the semester is ending and i have a lot to do i cant wait for it to end and to have the month off.. thats whats getting me thru these two weeks.. knowing that i have a month after that! anyways now i hafta go all the way to my car to get my guitar but atleast i feel a little better now that i got all this shit out of my head ... sorta

Today we come with great sadness to talk about Jillian Malloy's death. As someone who was very close with her, I think this is more about celebrating her life and not dwelling on her loss. Jillian was a fine young girl, she was good in school and also a good person at heart. Good friend, good sister and good daughter. She was always into helping people out, sticking up for others and trying to make the best of every situation. When she was younger she started a fundraiser for Hurricane Katrina. With a little help from friends, family and the rest of the community she raised over $2000 for the cause. This is just a little piece of the good that she did for others. She did walks for M.S., breast cancer and autism. Fundraising played a big part in her life. She has worked at soup kitchens and recently before she became sick she was able to go to a place in the bronx where she bagged groceries for families that would not be able to buy them themselves. She always brightened up the day of others. There was always a sense of happiness when she would walk through the door. Many times she would be ask, do you ever get mad or are you ever not happy. Her answer would always be not really. It took a lot to make Jillian mad. Jillian truelly had something special about her. She could make people laugh when they were about to cry and could crack a joke at the most innappropriate but much needed times. She enjoyed hanging out with her friends. Though she was very busy with school and work she always had time to see her friends, especially her best friend Tara. They were inseperable. Jillian treated all her friends like family. Offering rides when needed. As her friend myself, I knew she was always there for me. One day I called her at 2 am because I was having family issues and she came right over to be there with me, I knew if i wanted to talk shed be there to listen and if i just wanted her there she was always there. Her family felt the same way with her. When i was asked to write this eulogy i wanted the input of her family also, so i asked about how she was towards them. They said she was an excellent daughter. When her mom and dad fought some how shed get them to stop and just make everyone laugh. She was very mature and could be trusted in everything she was doing. She was hardworking with her two jobs and school work but was always ready to go for a drive with the family or just to spend time with them. Jillian will really be missed by her family friends and over all the community.

Ten million dollars is quite a bit of money, but hey I'd take it. With ten million dollars id move out into my own apartment in the city. ive always wanted to live in new york city, but thats a dream in itself because of the high price. after i got my apartment and all the furniture and utilities id give some to my parents and some to my sister. id pay off college and the loans ive taken out for it. some of it would go in the bank and the rest i would shop and donate some to charity. yeah that sounds so cliche to donate it to charity, give some to your family and so many poeple would probably say that but i really would. my family is weirdly close. we all care about eachother more then anything and would do anything for eachother. i am also really into donating to charities and helping out peope who are in need. I guess from the looks of this im not doing to bad as a person. im a little materialistic in the fact that the first thing i wanna get is an apartment and everything that has to go inside, but really im sure everyone has that in them.

Who are you?
Literally? I'm a blonde hair, blue eyed, 18 year old girl. But inside im much more then that. I am a girl who just likes to see the best in everyone and everything; who is happy most of the time, and when im not i hide it well. A girl who will pretty much believe everything you tell me. Try to pick a fight with me; I'll just give in because conflict is not my forte. I enjoy living life to the fullest. I take risks and just hope for the best. Random is my middle name. Things pop into my head one after another sometimes before i have time to even think about it. I speak before i think. I try to make people laugh but somehow if others arent laughing i still make myself laugh. im not perfect, my grades arent perfect i have a bad attitude sometimes but nobodys perfect.

Why am I here?
I think im here to help others and keep things for the most part civil.
Im here to make people happy when there sad
I think im here to help people who are in need of something
Im here to change the subject when people are fighting to stop the fight
I think im here for a purpose i may not know until further into my future

drip
......drop
.........drop
.............drip
.................drop
.....................drip
..........................drippity
................................drip
......................................drip
..........................................drop
.......................................drop
....................................drip
...................................drop
..........................drop
..............................drip
leaky faucets are so annoying!

The beast creeps up on you without warning.
He takes you thoroughly by surprise.
Once he has his claws in you,
you feel there is no escape.

If only you knew about him sooner,
But by the time you noticed him,
His tentacles spread and engulf
every inch of your body

slowly
slowly
slowly
he moves.

The beasts hunger overwhelms him.
As he fees, he sucks you dry.
As your weakness grows,
he hets stronger and stronger.
His hunger is unceasing.

You try to fight him,
pushing and pushing
you may win the battle
but usually he wins the war.

You try to poison him
but the poison turns on you.
others watch helplessly
as he attacks you
over and over again

he destroys lives

you try to ignore him.
which can be easy at times
because he is invisible to the naked eye
but you know hes there
destroying you bit by bit.
you think hes gone only to find
hes just found a new place to hide.

he feeds on your anxiety,
thrives on your strees,
despises your positive attitude

despite your heroic efforts
your hair continues to fall out
your getting weaker and weaker
the end is near.

ive had enough of all this shit
people thinking who the fuck they are
making it clear im not as good as them
well you wouldnt be shit if your mommy
and daddy didnt pay your way thru life

i got no money, broke!
i do something to make it thru life
working multiple jobs and going to school
lucky i went to school at all

go ahead and judge
i dont give a fuck what you think of me
look at my clothes, ripped jeans
baggy shirts messy hair
got a problem? i dont fuckin care

what you dont see is the bruises
inside and out, on my arms, legs
and heart and soul.

dad aint home moms a crack head
did you know that? hopin each nite when
she brings home a different man maybe
he wont be as abusive as the last

just lookin at me makes him mad
every nite takin a few punches
lay in bed listening to mom cry
its your fault bitch

she coulda done something with her life
but she made that mistake almost 18 years ago
yea ill be 18 next week; that mistake was me

how do you assholes feel now?
still judging, good! see what you
think when im gone tomorrow.
FUCK IT

I HATE
liars
I HATE
backstabbers
I HATE
"playas"
I HATE
having to work
I HATE
having rules to follow
I HATE
being forced to do things i dont wanna
I HATE
my computer
I HATE
my body
I HATE
bitches and cattyness
I HATE
hypocrites
I HATE
shallow people
I HATE
ignorance


HATES A STRONG WORD
FOR A WEAK PERSON LIKE ME.

just friends

You give me that feeling in my stomach.
People call it butterflies but i dont understand it
Its more like a knot.
When you walk passed me my hands start to tremble
My heart starts to beat faster then ever before
Were too close of friends to be anymore
right? thats what everyone says
Your smell, so familiar something i look forward to
You make me laugh but never made me cry
You compliment me but do you mean it
or are you just being nice?
Sucks to know that you love her
I cant be her, Im just the best friend
Somehow im used to that, always the "friend"
Someone you can talk to about anything,
who will always be there to listen
I know all your secrets and
all your favorite things
So why cant there be more?
You start acting like maybe theres a chane with "us"
Talking about how were so similar and how
We'd be perfect, but then go on to talk about how
thats why were best friends..
Shes the one for you , guess ill never do

my room

if you walked into my room who does this shithole belong too
theres closes on every square inch of the floor
someplaces its piled three feet high
open drawers,
un made bed,
books thrown on the floor.
i guess youd think im a slob
whih when it comes to my room,
i definitely am.
but the truth is i enjoy cleaning
ill clean at work,
ill clean friends cars
or even apartments.
you can also see my lack of focus
there are plenty of things that ive started
and then i just cant finish!
im very easily distracted.
another thing you ccan see from my room,
my style.
i personally think i have a good fashion sense.
i have 30 something scarves,
alot of pairs of boots and skinny jeans
and a million shirts, i do have a shopping problem
there is no room for half of my clothes.
i really should clean my room now tho

sometimes

sometimes i wish everyone could get along

sometimes i wish my parents never fought

sometimes i wish i liked my job

sometimes i wish i knew who i could trust

sometimes i wish i was skinnier

sometimes i wish i had enough balls to stand up for myself

sometimes i wish money really did grow on trees

sometimes i wish i could buy all the boots i wanted :)

sometimes i wish i didnt laugh at the most innapropriate times

sometimes i wish i had contact lenses

sometimes i wish i had my own car

sometimes i wish i didnt have to worry about doing these blogs

sometimes i wish i didnt live with my parents

A mirror image

When i look in the mirror,
i wish i saw something different
pimples on my head...disgusting!
turn to the side, start at the top
and work your way down.
my hair is a nice yellowy blonde color
long, a buncha inches past my shoulders
my eyes a blue color, kinda like the sky
but when i wear green they become
a green tint of blue. thats about all the good
work your way further down.
theres a bump on my nose, too big
i smile most of the time so you see my
teeth often, there not bad i had braces
my gums are kind big tho
my stomach is too big for my liking
ive had problems with that forever
but probably everyone does
my ass is so fucking big, jeans
shopping sucks there either too short
cause im way too tall or are tight
go down to the feet.
sasquatch! my feet are huge.
a size 9/10 thats terrible.
i dont get embaressed alot but thats embaressing
my skin is a golden color now
but my summer tan lines have begun to fade
soon i will be white as snow for the winter.
i have big manly hands.. its weird
my fingers are short and fat.
on the outside i may not be perfect
but who is?
thank god looks arent everything

Woke up dis mawnin
........................................I aint no whos fuckin bed I was layin in
.........................................messy sheets...messy hair
Where mah clothes at??

...there they are; layin
.....................over there on the floor
..................................................................reeks of stale smoke & beer
he walks in
..a face i aint eva seen befo
brown hair....brown eyes..brown skin
...........................................................................tattooed from head to toe

................................he turns around to reach into his closet
.................scratches straight down his back.....skin under mah nails

Dayum!

love is

Love is red

.......It sounds like someone blowing a kiss to a lover.
.......It feels like butterflies in ones stomach.
.......It smells like cherry lip gloss.
.......It tastes like chocolate covered strawberries.

A place I love to be.

There's a place that I love to go when I am feeling stressed.
Sitting on the boardwalk on a breezy day, helpts to chase my pressures away.
Listening to the footsteps as people walk passed is a soothing constant sound.
The breeze off the ocean in my face is comforting as it blows my hair around.

Sitting on the boardwalk on the breezy, helps to chase my pressures away.
It's nice to close my eyes and imagine that it is a brand new day.
The breeze off the ocean in my face is comforting as it blows my hair around.
After sitting a while I decide to take a walk.

It's nice to close my eyes and imagine that it is a brand new day.
As I open my eyes to take a walk, there are families all around me talking and laughing.
After sitting a while I decide to take a walk.
I walk down the ramp and onto the sand.

As I open my eyes to take a walk, there's families all around me talking and laughing.
When I put my feet into the sand, they disappear out of sight.
I walk down the ramp and onto the sand.
I continue down toward the salty ocean.

When I put my feet into the sand, they disappear our of sight.
Frisbees and footballs flying, kids running, people tanning.
I continue down toward the salty ocean.
My toes touch the icy cold water as a chill runs through my body.

Frisbees and footballs flying, kids running, people tanning,
Listening to the footsteps as people walk passed is a soothing constant sound.
My toes touch the icy cold water as a chill runs through my body.
There's a place that I love to go when I am feeling stressed.

I remember

I remember wearing my fanciest clothes with socks with the ruffles on them for the first day of school.

I remember going to disney world and being afraid of Jafar from Aladdin.

I remember getting bagels every Saturday from A&S for breakfast.

I remember christmas parties at the police department where Santa would come on a helicopter and we could take rides on the motorcylce.

I remember going to a brewery tour in Virginia and hating the smell.

I remember my 10th birthday party at Joan of Art.

I remember getting my dog bailey.

I remember learning to hit the 57 on the ketchup bottle to get the ketchup out.

I remember going on long drives with my family to nowhere and just ending up somewhere different everytime.

I remember going to my aunt Charlotte's every Christmas Eve and my Aunt diane's every Christmas Day.

I remember watching gulla gulla island when I got home from school.

I remember falling in my pool before I knew how to swim.

I remember loving to go into the fire prevention house and having to crawl under the smoke.

I remember being best friends with Brittany Trumpy.

I remember the first time I drank alcohol.

I remember my first crush and my first boyfriend.

I remember buying stupid little gifts at the holiday sales at my elementary school.

I remember graduating from elementary school.

I remember the sixth grade dance.

I remember my first day of high school.

I remember my dad having siezures.

I remember my trip to Georgia and hating it there.

I remember my trip to Colorado.

I remember my first cruise and making so many friends.

I remember my grandmas, grandpa and uncle passing away.

I remember the christmas that my cousin was born.

I remember starting to take voice lessons.

I remember being nervous everytime I sang in front of people.

I remember making new friends.

I remember my junior and senior prom.

I remember my bus getting in trouble because someone brought something on the bus.

I remember my ex boyfriend and why I broke up with him.

I remember my first car accident senior year in high school.

I remember fighting with my sister about me taking her clothes.

I remember going fishing with my friends at captree.

I remember sunday pasta dinners at my aunt's house.

I remember sitting for 6 hours to take the stupidest test... three times!

I remember signing yearbooks.

I remember having an eating disorder.

I remember the days I didn't care what clothes I put on in the morning.

I remember working at Frosty's.

I remember working at Mandee's.

I remember filling out college applications.

I remember singing on the news for September 11th.

I remember doing all different kinds of community service projects.

I remember going to Fordham for 9 days for a performing arts program and crying when I had to leave all my new friends.

I remember starting my own fundraiser for Hurricane Katrina.

I remember being addicted to Iced Coffee and Lattes.

I remember Graduating high school.

I remember meeting mandy moore.

I remember going to the city all the time with my family.

I remember my 18th birthday at Lips.

I remember having huge sleepovers with all my friends.

I remember having the first black president.

I remember going for 10 cent wing nights at Croxley's.

I remember blacking out at voice lessons.

I remember my audition for Molloy.

I remember getting accepted.

I remember crying and making myself throw up when I had to get blood tests.

I remember hating shots.

I remember I have a lot to do today.

I'll try to remember to come back and finish this later.

A time of fear

There were two times I felt my deepest fear; when my mom was sick and when my dad is sick. A few months ago my mom was having a lot of problems and no one had answers on what was the matter. She was hemoraging, alot! She was bed ridden for weeks at a time. Everytime she went to a doctor they would tell her to do something else, but nothing would help. I was really scared because a lot of times in situations like this I start to think the worst. Of course I was thinking what if she died. One day, she felt really sick. She called the doctor and he said go right to the hospital. My mom is very stubborn and wouldnt go. I kept crying and begging her to just go. A few days later she finally went to the doctor and he said she had to go to the hospital to get blood transfusions. My mom still didn't want to do it because she wanted us to donate our blood for her. Me and my dad were ready to do it, but then we found out that it really wasn't safe. When a family member donates blood for another family member, they rush the testing process and so you don't know if it is really a safe idea. I finally got a call while I was in school one day that my mom had decided to go to the hospital to get blood. She was suppose to come home that night but they decided she would have to stay over night because she needed more blood then they expected. After she had recieved the blood they found a procedure that finally stopped her bleeding. She is doing much better now. It was such a feeling of relief. Another time where I felt my biggest fear was when I was on vacation in the poconos with my family and aunts and cousins and my dad had a siezure. It was in the middle of the night when I heard something weird. I got up and saw that my dad was laying on the floor breathing really wierd. He had bitten his tongue when he clenched his teeth so he was spraying spit with a mix of blood out his mouth and his eyes were rolling back. He wasn't convulsing though, he must have done that already. I woke my mom up. We didn't know exactly what was going on because none of us had ever seen a siezure before. We called the number that we were suppose to to get help. A security guard from the hotel came up to our room and just stood and watched. He said it was probably a siezure. It seemed like it took forever for the ambulance to come. I was so scared; again that what if it wasn't what if it was something more serious that he could die from. We found out that it was a seizure. My dad went for all kinds of tests and again the doctors couldn't really tell what caused it, but they had narrowed it down to either sleep apnia or dehydration. Now he wears a mask to sleep that blows air into his nose for sleep apnia. Twice after that, in more recent time, he didn't wear his mask to sleep and he had two more siezures. They now gave him anti-siezure medicine. Just last week, he was taking his medicine and he had his mask on and still had another siezure. The doctors say that he has to get a new mask and they put him on stronger medicine. I still fear that maybe there is another problem, or what if he has another siezure and its worse or something else happens.

Senses of the Beach

The sky is a dull gray,
creating a mood of calmness
and a sense of tranquility.
The wind is a bitter cold on my face,
making the goosebumps on my arms grow bigger & bigger.
It's making my nose frozen like spring flowers
in the middle of the winter.
My nose starts to run like a drippy faucet.
The waves are crashing on the sand,
while I sit shivering,
creating a snow white foam at the shore.
The birds are swooping towards the water,
desperate to find food like a poor man
feeding a family of four.
The rock is bumpy and cold.
The sand is blowing in my eyes & mouth,
making hard to see and making &
crunchy feeling as I bite down.
Oh how I would love to be home wrapped up all cozy.
Or just somewhere warm!
This was not a beach day.

oops i forgott :)

Look at the raisin
*brown, rigid, small*
Look a little closer
*compressed, still brown, rigid & small*

Feel the raisin
*small, bumpy, rubbery*
to the tongue
hard to sense a feeling

Take a bite
*rubbery as expected*
JUICES RELEASED

Taste the rasin,
.......nOt GoOd aT aLl

Swallow the raisin - feel it go down
.........................GROSS!

the end (eventually i write about these)

a few more

Flickr tells me i have too many pictures :/

Just Rantinggg

Somethings i cannot stand!
classes you dont find out are cancelled til you get here. thats a big one! you wake up so damn early to make sure you get here on time. you have to deal with the traffic lights or traffic.. then when you get here god forbid theres a spot anywhere for you to park! and now they have huge ass trucks just there blocking like 10 spots for no reason.. theres clearly room for them to move the truck so that they can block less... then theres one spot left but the security guard is standing in it directing us to park way off in guam.. then you get here and have to carry your books and guitar ... go wait for a professor and find out a half hour into when the class is suppose to start that the teacher cant come so class is cancelled.. now im sitting in the computer lab typing this bs post ranting about how annoying it is to have to kill 2 hours... i mean its not the teachers fault she couldnt come .. but i just wish i knew in advanced.. wow i sound like sucha selfish bitch right now she has her own problems and im complaining abuot sitting here for 2 hours.. i guess i need to stop.. one and a half hours left!
well this isnt the only thing thats gets on my nerves!
LIARS! yea everyone lies at some ponit in there life.. im no angel ive lied plenty of times.. but people who constantly lie so that other people think there someone their really not.. that annoys the shit out of me.. be who you are if someone doesnt like you move on dont act like your someone your not.. you dont have to be a whore for guys to like you... is that really the guy you wanna attract.. the one that just is gunna use you... not really and if that is have fun! but then dont act like your not that kinda person ... basically your a hypocrite
and you know what else!
people you think you can trust and then they go and screw you over.. like that hasnt happened to you before.. its happened to me a million times.. no wonder why its hard for people to gain my trust.. boyfriends who cheat on you or steal from you.. "friends" who talk about you behind your back.. friends who just plain out lie to your face.. those arent the friends i want.. its hurts acutally alot to no that people i learn to trust just fuck me over in the end!
well this killed sometime and acutally made me feel alittle better :) bye

I AM

i am outgoing and imaginative
i wonder if the world will ever be completely color blind
i hear loud conversatiopns about plans for the weekend
i see the messy desk in front of me
i want a car so that i can be more independent

i pretend i am singing in front of large crowds of poeple
i feel the love of my friends and family
i touch the hearts of many
i worry about my future
i cry when something bad happens
i am outgoing and imaginative

i understand what it means to be respectful
i say what i can to make people feel better
i dream about helping others
i try to give advice for those in need
i hope i succeed in all my endeavers
i am outgoing and imaginative

Meditating with ADD

in...
.....out
in...
.....out
DISTRACTION: im nervous about my job interview
....................in
..........................out
....................in
..........................out
DISTRACTION: i hope i get the job
in
.....out
in
.....out
in
DISTRACTION: that clock ticking is extremely loud
..................out
.........................in
..................out
.........................in
..................out
DISTRACTION: what should i do this weekend
in
.....out
in
.....out

getting sleepy
getting sleepy

*LIGHTS ON
"open your eyes"

eight things i wish i could buy right now

1) macbook
2) car
3) apartment
4) more clothes
5) more bags
6) contacts
7) new guitar
8) more shoess!

i really dont get it...

I dont understand rugby.

and i wanted to play?

i musta been crazy

its pretty intense

like football without pads

i wish i coulda gotten into it

maybe if someone explains it to me :)

How to make a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich :)

Things you need:
- two slices of bread
- your flavor jelly of preference (i prefer grape!)
- peanutbutter (i prefer smooth but you can use chunky if you want)
- a butter knife
- a plate

Directions:
Place the two slices of bread side by side... Using the butter knife take about two table spoons of of peanutbutter...spread the peanut butter evenly around on one of the slices of bread... wipe the leftover peanutbutter from the knife on a napkin.. with the butter knife take about one tablespoon of jelly out of the jar and spread it evenlly onto the other slice of bread...you make skip the jelly if you don't like it.. then put the two slices of bread together so that the peanutbutter meets the jelly.. cut in half and enjoy :)
*(suggestion: a glass a milk is great to wash down the peanutbutter)

my other post got erased!

asdfjkl;

Ongoing Assessment